Acts of an Idiot
by MichaelSaniyan
Summary: "I'm not a hero. No one is. 'Hero' is just one of those ideals that people strive for, even if they're unachievable. I strived. I tried. I failed miserably." - Depicting the death of Sayaka Miki.


**AN: Written before the release of episode 11, even if that probably isn't relevant.**

**The scene with Kyouko and Sayaka is the most powerful scene in the anime thus far, in my opinion. Sayaka was my favorite character in terms of personality, and I've really tried to channel as much of my admiration for her as I could into this story. I appreciate any feedback you might have, even if I still can't read a review without having a nervous breakdown. Also, it's totally Kyuubei. ****Not Kyubey, not Kyuubey, not Kyubee. There are no single Y's in the Japanese language as far as I know, and there is so an I in there. There. I don't mind if you spell it any other way (potato, potahto), I just really wanted to get that out. ;)**

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_I lean against the cool metal doors as the train screeches to a halt. My head feels like it's full of cotton, akin to the feeling you get when you have a really bad cold. The dull cloud in my head is sharply contrasted by a throbbing pain in my chest. My left hand is tightly clenched around my Soul Gem, clinging to it as if it was the only thing keeping me alive. Which I suppose is pretty accurate, depending on how you define "alive"._

_The doors slide open, and I stumble out onto the platform. My body inhales the fresh, chilly air, relieved to be free from the awful smell from inside the train. I quickly look around to take in my surroundings before flopping down into one of the chairs set against a gritty-looking station map. Every ounce of whatever strength I had left leaves my body, and I know I'll never get up again. Breathing heavily, I close my eyes and listen to the doors wheeze shut as the train leaves. It feels better, knowing that those two are going further away from me. I open my eyes again, grimacing at the sharp needles being pushed against my heart. I'm not used to feeling pain anymore, especially not this intense._

_After a few minutes of slow breathing and gritting teeth, I try it sit up straight. I open my hand, only slightly, and I fear seeing a wound that I pretended wasn't so deep. I only manage to see a small bit of it before my fingers instinctively close around the cold object, but it's enough to make my fuzzy thoughts stir nauseatingly. My Soul Gem is more black than blue now, and there is nothing I can do about it at this point._

_Things are coming back to me now, things it's fitting I remember. I don't really want to think anymore. I want to die, but I'm too weak to do even that. Really, how sad am I? A few weeks into this new job, and I'm already about to kick it. I must be the worst Puella Magi ever. I suppose what Homura told me was true then. A person like me really isn't fit to fight witches. What was it that she said? She called me naive, I think…well, she called me a lot of things. Naive, huh…yeah, that about sums it up. Naive enough to think that I could be different from the other girls, who only hunt witches for Grief Seeds. Naive enough to believe every word Kyuubei said. Naive enough to give my wish, the miracle that I sold my life for, to someone other than myself._

_Naiveté in all its glory, but I have no regrets. If I hadn't made the contract, then Madoka and Hitomi would both be dead. Also, without my wish, Kyousuke's life would've been as good as useless to him. So in sacrificing my own life, I saved three. I remember Kyouko's words. I know why I have to suffer like this. My death, a Puella Magi's death, will balance out the lives of three normal humans. Whichever way you look at it, I don't regret doing what I did. If I could redo my decision, I'd still make the contract __without hesitation._

_Suddenly, a freezing cold grabs my heart and twists it, hard. The cotton in my head solidifies into a thousand sharp shapes, making every nerve scream out in pain. I scream too, with them, and our combined voices echo in the night. I hope, I pray that it's my time. I want to die out into the night, silently, without having to think anymore. Deep in my chest, I can feel my heart skip one or two beats. It's fighting to stay alive, doing the exact opposite of what I want it to do. It won't give up._

_The paralyzing pain ends abruptly, reverting into an obtuse thumping, a second heartbeat. My cry fades out and I can feel the familiar sting of tears trickling down my cheek. I laugh weakly; of course it won't be that easy. My suffering must be great to outweigh the happiness I've caused. Random thoughts keep falling down through my consciousness like water drops down a deep well, out of my control. _

_Madoka. I was such a terrible friend to her. All she did was try to help me, and I…even if the things I said to her were true, that she could never possibly understand me or the things I've been through in the last few days, I had no right to talk to her like that. She'll be devastated. First Mami died, and now I'll go too. Hopefully Homura takes care of her, even if the thought isn't exactly appealing. But she is powerful, and she seems very protective of Madoka for some reason. It's just too bad that my final words to my best friend will have been ones of anger._

_With far too much effort, I raise my arm to wipe away the tears. I cried from the pain, nothing else, and I don't want to spend my final moment weeping like a child. As if I wasn't tormented enough, the next drop of memory recalls my mental decay. Kyubei kept something from me once again, the damned creature. "I don't recommend it.", he said. "Your movements will be slower.", he said. That's like saying you shouldn't play with a loaded gun, since you might drop it on your toes. _

_So I ignored his half-hearted warning. I fought, unable to feel pain, because it was the only way I could ever hope to win. I'm…I'm still ashamed to admit that I loved fighting like that. I felt all-powerful, like nothing could as much as scratch me. Instead of a battle to the death, it became a game. It became fun. So I laughed. I laughed while I let my weak body get pummeled and bruised and bloodied, I squealed with joy as I killed familiar after familiar, witch after witch. I got more and more reckless, and I soon stopped using magic actively in any way. I sliced through their deformed bodies, beat them into oblivion with only my sword and my hands. All of this I did while giggling uncontrollably, ecstatic in my invincible state. Afterwards, I always left the Grief Seeds behind. I wanted to prove that I was nothing like Homura or that Kyouko. I would use magic to save people, not profit off their demise. How could've I've been so stupid?_

_In the end, I was no better than either of them. The next drop is the last one, the most recent one. I killed those two men on the train. People who can be so cruel to someone who loves and cares for them don't deserve to live. I enjoyed killing them. Not as much as killing witches, of course, but it gave me the same feeling of satisfaction. The feeling that I had just made the world a better place. "Tell me why I should fight." I said to them. They didn't have an answer. Can't fault them, because neither do I. Did I really trick myself into thinking that all people were innocent, helpless victims? "Naive" was an understatement, Homura._

_Suddenly, my left hand starts to tingle, like it does when it falls asleep. I open it, and I find myself as captivated by the sight as I am sickened. My Soul Gem, its content blackened and tainted by my own stupidity, its metal frame dull and lifeless. Upon closer inspection, I see a few air bubbles float up through the dirtied blue liquid. It must be beginning to crack. Just like me. But if it is worse shape now then earlier, why do I feel less pain? My all too steady heartbeat pumps liquid needles into my veins, but it's endurable, not like before. I carefully trace the glass' surface with my fingertip. It doesn't even feel like a Soul Gem anymore, it doesn't have that comforting heat radiating from it. It's the opposite: unnaturally cold, more like a…Grief Seed. It hits me right then, what it is that will cause enough despair to balance out Madoka's, Kyousuke's and Hitomi's lives._

_...how abominable. How many Puella Magi would the world host if you told them this, Kyuubei?_

_Suddenly, I hear footsteps._

"I finally found you." _Kyouko. She sits down next to me. I don't even bother to look up at her. The realization I've made makes my trusty heart beat harder and faster, but me…I couldn't care less._

"When are you gonna stop being stupid?"_ she asks me, followed by a loud crunch. Of course she's eating something. Why is she even here? She's been looking for me? In that case..._

"Sorry for wasting your time." _I truly am sorry. A girl like her, when did she begin to care about me? I was a lost cause from the start. _

"That's weird for you to say." _Would you rather I insulted you, and spat in the face of your kindness?_

"I don't care anymore. What was important to me, what I wanted to protect…I can't remember what those things are anymore."_ I can't remember? Did I even know what they were to begin with?_

"Hey…" _She actually does sound worried._ _I let my right arm fall, exposing my Soul Gem to her. I hear her gasp, and out of some sort of dull malice, I raise my hand to allow her a better look._

"Hope and despair always balance out to zero. That's what you said, right? I understand what that means now. I did save a few people, but with each one, the hate in me grew. I even hurt my best friend." _Madoka, forgive me. Listen to Homura. Don't let Kyuubei trick you like he tricked the rest of us. _

"Sayaka, did you…?" _I don't want to hear it. I'm done. I'm done._

"Whenever I wish for someone to be happy, someone else has to suffers as much. That's what it means to be a Puella Magi." _The tingling, numbing feeling in my hand spreads through my arm into my chest. I can feel my heart slowing down, at last. At the same time, my vision blurs with tears. Of course, I would cry. I can't help but smile stupidly when I turn my head to face Kyouko's concerned, almost frightened expression. She was looking for me. She went from wanting to kill me to telling me her life's story, just to keep me from making the same mistake she made. I wish I could ask her why she did all of those things. I wish I could repay her somehow. But I've already used up my only wish. God, I'm...I'm..._

"I'm such an idiot."

_There. I'm done._

_Kyouko..._

_...thanks._

Crack.


End file.
